


Hold On To Memories

by Nym_Othren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26168716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nym_Othren/pseuds/Nym_Othren
Summary: Ever since the night he lost Furlan and Isabel, Levi is left to carry on in the world while battling against his demons.(Note: Farlan/Furlan and Isabel are listed as characters because it ties in with what I was trying to achieve with Levi. They're only mentioned in memory sequences ect)
Kudos: 3





	Hold On To Memories

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, those that are waiting still on my sequel to In Another Life (the Yu-Gi-Oh one) I am still working on it. Rest assured. This was something that was triggered spontaneously and I had to write it. I like to think that I am almost finished with the sequel. Thank you for your patience :)
> 
> Now, on to this story. Furlan's name switches from Furlan or Farlan depending on the source. For me, when I watched the Levi OVA, it was shown in the subtitles as Farlan. So, I just stuck with that spelling. Please don't critique the fact his name is spelled differently, same with Hange since she has alternate spellings as well. Furthermore, this is my first time writing for Shingeki no Kyojin, so I apologize if it's clumsy. Levi is my favorite character and after rewatching the OVA of his with a friend that recently got into SNK, this was triggered when I was listening to Disturbed's song "Hold On To Memories". 
> 
> I would also like to mention that I do not own these characters and all rights belong to the wonderful Hajime Isayama. Anyways, that's enough rambling. I hope that you enjoy! Fair warning, it begins as first person and then goes into third. I wasn't sure how to transition, so I do apologize if it's a bit clumsy. 
> 
> Thank you and please enjoy!

**_The time will come when all of us say goodbye..._ **

****

Death is a given. Everyone’s well aware that their time will come one day, whether it’d be tomorrow or next year. No one truly knows when that’ll be their last goodbye. It’s funny, really. We all know that one day soon we’ll die, and yet we never prepare for it. Maybe that’s why it’s considered “living in the moment”, or maybe it’s just plain ignorance on everyone’s part. You wake up each day and the very last thing that’ll come to mind is _‘Will this be the moment that I die?’._

It’s expected. As we age, our bodies slowly begin to decay in some form. Our immune systems lower. Perception falters. _Death_ \--in a morbid way--is a constant with each breath of air we take. It’s slow and it’s unexpected. So, why...why do we as humans _still_ never prepare for the time to come? Is it our ignorance that prevents us from seeing the true horrors of the world? Or, are we just that foolish, or lack the care of treating it as a moment you’ll never get back?

Admittedly, I knew death would come to me, but I always suspected that I’d be the first. My life was far from pleasant, and even now it still wasn’t. There was nothing for me, no reason that I of all people should still be given the chance to live on.

There was no reason for _them_ to die!

**_Feel that aching in your heart leaving you broken inside..._ **

****

No matter what I do. No matter how hard I try...I still can’t shake it. I don’t regret my choices that night. _I can’t_. However, does that mean that I could _forget_ and be scarred from it? Hardly. Regretting is one thing, but unable to forget and having it slowly consume you as each day ticks on is another. To regret or not to regret is surprisingly easy and gets easier with each passing day, but to forgo the memories, the trauma, of your past...that’s practically inevitable.

I haven’t been able to go back to that place, or our once home well within The Underground. I’ve tried to _at least_ go back to The Underground just to check in, but I couldn’t follow through. It was the first time in forever that I felt _weak_. It was a horrible feeling. The moment I lost them is when I lost myself, or the person that I once was. The truth of the matter is that I have no fucking idea _who_ the hell I am anymore, or if I ever was that person from before. Now, I’m left to question if _this_ is even the real me. No matter how many times I look at the man in the mirror, witnessing the dead in his eyes while he wore the very uniform that he once shared with all of them, I never could feel certain if this were truly me. It’s not like it matters anymore anyways. That person is gone. Dead. Along with the rest of them. He died on that battlefield, bloody and muddy, with his comrades. So, now he was just this walking body. A lot of times it’s felt like that while others I’ve felt comfortable in my new skin.

Yet, no matter how alright I may carry myself or how effortlessly I am to wave off emotions, I’ll never be able to fix what’s gaping in my chest. My group, it’s not my group. My comrades are not mine. My friends aren’t friends. I’ve never felt so alone in this world. It’s a bit pathetic, honestly. After I lost my mother, I didn’t _need_ anyone. Kenny took me in only to eventually leave me. It didn’t bother me. So why is it bothering me now? Why are they the ones that tore this armor that I wore like second skin? Was I really that careless, or were they really that stubborn? It’s hard to say anymore...

**_I know it feels hopeless sometimes, but they're never really gone as long as there's a memory in your mind..._ **

****

The Underground was our home. Our place wasn’t glorious by any means, but it was clean, and it was _home_. Isabel, I still see you sprawled out on that couch. I remembered how much it unnerved me to see you display yourself in such a lazy fashion, but that was you. Your loudmouth was as big as your heart.

Farlan, you were always the rational one. You showed compassion to those around you, a lot of them truly didn’t deserve it. I, being one of those receivers. Recalling now, I know that I was a headache for you, but you never once stopped smiling. You never once turned anyone away and would always do your damnedest to offer a hand. You were taken far too soon, my friend.

The both of you didn’t deserve the fate that you received. You guys were too _good_ for this world. I can’t regret my choices just as much as I can’t change the past, but that doesn’t make the pain lessen when it’s already suffocating. I can wish that it’d have been me instead all I damn well want, but it won’t change the fact that it _wasn’t_ me...

_“Bro!”_

_“What? Bro?”_

_Isabel only smiled in response to my confused reply. Tch. She hasn’t even been here for an hour and already she’s giving me an absurd nickname?_

Levi’s eyes softened at the memory. Isabel was quite the character, but she had a way with being contagious. Her pigtails drove him insane simply because she just looked dirty and clearly needed a bath. He wanted to laugh now at his first impression of her was. It seemed so juvenile, but back then...there wasn’t much that Levi worried about. An unkempt young lady seemed to have been one of the worst things he’d encounter in his home. But, little did he know how much she’d mean to Levi in the short time that she was with him. Always so caring but also spunky and full of life when the world seemed dull. Seeing that dove in her hands on that night, Levi often wondered which dove, if it was even still around, was that very one when he’d spot one or two in the sky.

_“It’s all the same. Without the moon and the stars, the night is just as dark above ground as below it...”_

Levi had said on their final night together. Little did he know that it was their last night... he worried about them. He worried about the titans that were on the other side of the walls. Could they handle it? Would Levi be able to protect them if need be? The questions that night left him conflicted, unsure of what to do. He wanted to go alone, have them stay behind the walls for safety, but as to be expected...those two weren’t going to allow such a thing.

_“The color of the sky, sure.” Farlan said in reply as he and Isabel both looked up to the endless night sky. It was cloudy, which to Levi, it was no different than the view from The Underground. It was still dark and dull._

_“But it’s different.” Isabel interjected, causing for Levi to look over his shoulder to the young female. He saw that fire in her eyes that he’s seen many times before. It was often the sign that she was determined to get her point across, and more often than not, she did._

_“We know that there’s no ceiling! It’s different!”_

_Levi mused, but Farlan was quick to agree with a grin. “That’s right. The sky is endless. It might be the same darkness, but it’s different from underground.”_

_It was at that moment that the three of them witnessed their first full moon. Somehow, to Levi, it looked different suddenly. The sky seemed beautiful now with the perfectly round moon glowing in the night sky. It was then that he realized how wrong he was. It was different._

Not long after that moment, they had convinced Levi to trust them on the mission. To believe in them. He did, because for one thing, he knew that they weren’t taking a no for an answer. Secondly, he felt confident that they could all make it out alive after all and gain their citizenship above ground. They could explore all that they’ve been neglected for so many years. To Levi, he never felt so confident and at ease. They had a way with him.

**_Souls who are not remembered cannot survive..._ **

****

Levi continued to stare into his teacup. The tea was half-full and yet still steamed. Once more, he questioned the reflection that stared back at him. This time, he was defeated looking, but also at peace in a bizarre way. True, punishing himself with their memories did little to heal what’s long broken, but he couldn’t find it in himself to _forget_ them. Their memories continued to swirl around his head and often they were unbearable to acknowledge, but sometimes--sometimes--they were therapeutic.

Whether they’re good or bad memories, they were the memories he held with them. Although he still suffered with sleeping, because he’d always relive that bloody sight of Isabel’s severed head and Farlan’s half-eaten body, he still couldn’t bring himself to will their memories away. Even if he could, he truly didn’t think that he’d desire to. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment, or maybe he just wanted to remember them, especially in moments such as now where he’d feel alone. Levi, he could be in a crowded room with all of his comrades and still feel like a ghost that no one sees. Farlan and Isabel, even when Levi was trying to vanish, they always saw him and acknowledged him. They knew Levi on another scale, a scale that even Levi himself didn’t fully grasp.

He looked from the cup to the window at a pecking sound. A white dove continued to use its beak to knock on the panel.

Every time...

Levi sighed out and stood from his chair, the wood scraping against hardwood, and sauntered over towards the window. He opened it and allowed for the bird to hop inside, greeting him with a tilt of its head. Levi rested his chin in his palm as he leaned forward on the windowsill.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop that? Now I have to clean the scuff marks you left.”

The dove cooed in response and tilted their head another way, but still gazing at Levi. Levi arched a slender brow, “You know, just because we healed your wing doesn’t mean that I want you around annoying me.”

Another coo and the dove flew inside, perching on the rim of Levi’s teacup. It bent down and began to eat the bird seeds that were laid on a towel, making the Captain scoff. He twisted his body to lean against the windowsill, folding his arms securely across his torso while glaring at the bird.

“Sure, help yourself. Stupid fucking bird...”

**_So now go do the best things in life. Bring the fight to this world while you can and make the most of the rest of your life. Shine your light on this world while you can..._ **

“Levi,” Hange spoke through the closed door. His head tilted from the bird to the door, waiting for her to continue. “Erwin wants to see us, so get the lead out!”

“I’m coming, don’t rush me, Four-Eyes...”

He didn’t hear a response, but he didn’t need to. His grey eyes cast over to the bird once again, seeing it now staring right at him. “I’m sure that you can see your way out when you’re done.” He said as he went towards his closet.

Levi pried it open to throw on his Scouts’ jacket. As usual, he’d check in his breast pocket and would pull out the items he kept hidden there. In his palm laid one of Isabel’s rubber bands that she’d use for her annoying pigtails, and a piece of Farlan’s cape. He stared at them for only a moment before closing his fingers back over the two items. To someone else, they were nothing, meaningless objects. However, to Levi, they were memoirs. He tucked them back into his breast pocket and buttoned the pocket up to prevent the items from falling out.

“See you later, bird.”

He walked out of the room, closing the door on his room and heading for the Commander’s office.

~

He made sure that his cape was fastened and that his horse was secured while Erwin announced their next mission to everyone in the group. The door to Wall Maria opened and Levi rushed in follow with the rest of the Scouts. He looked up once he was galloping under the exit and smiled small, very small, at the two white doves that soared above his head. Levi looked forward and gripped the bridle tighter in his hands. Before him laid various green capes fluttering from the speed of their hoses. All producing the same emblem commonly called ‘The Wings of Freedom’.

_Isabel, Farlan...I’ll see you on the other side one day, if there ever is an “other side”. But, until then, I’ll keep fighting for the three of us._

**_And hold onto memories. Hold on to every moment to keep them alive..._ **

****


End file.
